(Natural News SATIRE) Right on the heels of United Airlines violently assaulting its own airline passenger that had already boarded the airplane and was comfortably seated for takeoff (see videos at this Natural News link), the company has now announced the unveiling of a new car rental company called, “BEAT IT Auto Rental.”
The new business concept is already receiving rave reviews from investors due to its unique business model: People pay the company to rent an automobile, but immediately after they sit in the driver’s seat, they are assaulted by “BEAT IT Auto Rental” thugs who rip them out of the vehicle, beat them to within an inch of their life in the parking garage, then blame the customer for “continuing to resist” while screaming at them to “Beat it!”
Here’s an actual (real) photo of United Airlines thugs removing a paying passenger from a commercial flight after selling that passenger a seat, allowing him to board the plane with an assigned seat, then changing their mind and demanding the seat back through coercion and violence:
And here’s a look at the email United Airlines distributed to employees, complaining that the paying passenger, before he was beaten and bloodied, then humiliated in front of the entire world, dared to “continue to resist.” For some reason, this paying customer who had already taken his seat and paid for his ticket “repeatedly declined to leave,” complains United:
— Glenn Greenwald (@ggreenwald) April 10, 2017
BEAT IT! Auto Rental hailed as a revolution for the hostility industry
United Airline CEO Oscar Munoz was hailed by shareholders as a “public relations genius” for his revolutionary new car rental concept due to its amazingly low business operations costs. Labor costs are reduced to zero thanks to United’s ability to recruit the violent thugs who deliver the beatings at virtually no cost.
Through a brilliant recruitment advertising campaign run on pizza boxes — previously used to recruit TSA thugs — United promises applicants “unrestrained beatings of innocent travelers without consequence” and has been flooded with applications.
New hotel chain joins the hostility industry: Suite Jesus That Hertz!
The response has been so remarkable that United is even considering opening a hotel chain that takes customers’ money for luxury hotel rooms, gives them keys to the room, and then waits for those customers to undress and slip under the covers right before a gang of convicted felons breaks into their room, beats them with lamp posts, steals their wallet, injects them with mercury, wraps them in a shower curtain then tosses them out the hotel window while releasing their names and videos to the internet where observers can score the assault on a scale of 1 – 10, all courtesy of United. “Because we care,” explained CEO Munoz, “about the total customer experience. We want every interaction with United to be imminently memorable.”
The new hotel chain plans to be called “Suite Jesus That Hertz*” and it’s already being heralded by the Wall Street Journal as the leader in the sudden success of the so-called “Hostility Industry” that’s expected to surpass $15 billion in annual revenues by the 2020 Presidential election.
* My apologies to the Hertz car rental company, which has nothing to do with any of this and doesn’t even assault its customers, unlike United.
Package deals for unparalleled value in hostility
Through clever cross-marketing, VIP customers can sign up to for a “travel deluxe package” deal where they are beaten in the face on an airplane, violently assaulted in a hotel room and savaged with deadly force after being dragged out of a moving vehicle. The price for such a customer experience in the new corporate-run police state Amerika? Just $299 from any major U.S. city. Plus, you earn miles!
What are you waiting for, America? Call United today to be violated, humiliated and possibly even ventilated by the caring corporate geniuses at United who go out of their way to make sure you remember one thing above all: Failure to obey will be punished.
Fly United! …Where passengers are disarmed at gunpoint before boarding the plane so that they can’t fight back when assaulted.
What’s next for United? A super low fare where they toss you off the plane during the flight! It will be called the “Best low fare in mid-air” promotion and is limited to one use per passenger, per life.